Christmas Eve

I wonder how long I'll feel like this. I thought I had a least a vague idea of what my future looked like. It's all upside down now. I wonder if he'll ever have regrets. I guess that doesn't matter.. but I still wonder. Right now I can't imagine sharing my life to that extent with anyone ever again. We basically grew into adults together. We both did things that lead us here. I'm just more resilient.. or nonchalant? I don't know. Anyway. It's Christmas Eve. I didn't decorate or put up a tree. I just want it to go by quickly. Everything is just backwards.