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The Vampire Princess Miyu OVA (1988) was one of the first anime that I saw. It only has four episodes, but it has always stuck with me. The animation, music, and the overall mood of it, has made it a favorite of mine to this day. Over the years, I've collected the mangas, some figures, an artbook, and DVD's, which are are hard to come by especially since it's fairly old now. I just have always loved it.
morrigankali
Jul. 17th, 2025 06:28 pmI just read some of my old LJ entries from 2001 to 2004 that happened to be on the Wayback Machine. What a terrifying and enlightening trip down memory lane. So many things I don't even remember at all. I wish all of the entries and photos were still there. It was interesting to read what my younger self thought was important. And every different snapshot that Wayback saved, I was enamored with a different guy. And at the very least, I remember truly loving each one of them. It made me realize that I haven't been single since I was 15 years old. No wonder I am so peaceful in this solitude that I'm currently in. And it's also no wonder that I feel like I'm desperately grasping at nostalgia from a time before the 2+ decades of relationship woes.
I don't know why I've always jumped from relationship to relationship. I always seemed to go in head first and then they all just fizzled out. Am I the problem? IS there even a problem? I don't see it as one, but I'm willing to bet that if you asked some of them, they would not agree. My whole life, I've felt like I was seeking something and I obviously have no idea what it is since I definitely haven't found it yet. I do feel that, finally, I have evolved beyond that pattern of seeking excitement and validation from other people. I don't think I ever stopped once to take a long, hard look at myself or my actions, I've just been following pleasure, excitement, and connection wherever it lead me. Even at the cost of relationships and friendships.
But now, all I want is to know myself. Funny how it took something like the divorce (which should have happened a long, long time ago) to make me FINALLY stop and assess my life. And I am truly happier than I have been in a very long time. Even the most mundane days bring me joy now.
Anyway, obligatory 'I miss LiveJournal' post.
I just got home from closing on the house. I can't stop crying. I'm not even entirely sure why.. I think it is a mix of relief and a sense of finality that I have been missing this entire time. It might be the drink I had at lunch, too (but mostly the former). I am so excited and elated to move forward with my life. I feel overwhelmingly free. I can't put it into words, but I feel strength, power, happiness, and anxious.
I'll post again when I can gather my thoughts. But for now, I'll just say that I am finally feeling like myself and I couldn't be happier.
I'll post again when I can gather my thoughts. But for now, I'll just say that I am finally feeling like myself and I couldn't be happier.
ramblings of nostalgia
Jun. 30th, 2025 10:59 pmAt times I feel a sense of deep longing for the girl that I was when I was 13 or 14. The girl that sat in front of the computer and made geocities websites & graphics in Microsoft Image Computer, saved hundreds of anime gifs, dug the depths of the internet for new music, made online friends. The internet was a vastly different place back then. I've just had this overwhelming nostalgia lately for that snippet of time. I think I was authentically myself back then, and I'm not sure if I truly have been since then.
I wish I didn't feel such a sense of regret about the last 22 or so years, but when I try to think of times that I was truly and undeniably happy, I can't. There are good memories here and there, but they don't outweigh the alternative. I feel like I spent years shoving myself into a mold that was barely me. It feels a bit cliche to be desperately grasping for the past, especially since I'm getting older and I think most people feel this way at some point in their journey. But maybe this is part of my healing.. going back to a time when I was genuinely happy to be me and to be with myself.
Anyway, all that said.. I'm relearning html (it has been a while) and I'm planning on trying to make myself a haven of nostalgia over on Neocities. Maybe I can even embed this blog into it somewhere. We'll see.
I wish I didn't feel such a sense of regret about the last 22 or so years, but when I try to think of times that I was truly and undeniably happy, I can't. There are good memories here and there, but they don't outweigh the alternative. I feel like I spent years shoving myself into a mold that was barely me. It feels a bit cliche to be desperately grasping for the past, especially since I'm getting older and I think most people feel this way at some point in their journey. But maybe this is part of my healing.. going back to a time when I was genuinely happy to be me and to be with myself.
Anyway, all that said.. I'm relearning html (it has been a while) and I'm planning on trying to make myself a haven of nostalgia over on Neocities. Maybe I can even embed this blog into it somewhere. We'll see.
Strangers with memories
May. 26th, 2025 01:35 pmThis will probably be my last post about the divorce. I'd like to use this journal for just random things. It's still so nostalgic to me because it looks exactly like LiveJournal. I wish I could go back to those days. So many things I would do differently.
I barely think about him at all these days, and when I do, it's more of a 'what the fuck was I doing for so long' kind of thought. We honestly never should have been together. In retrospect, I feel like I fought against fate to be with him. He didn't want me at first; that should have been the first sign that it was ill-fated. But having the clarity now that we are done, I just am sad for the time that I wasted. Half my life is just mediocre memories. More bad than good. And when I think about how little we have in common, it really should be a case study on how humans will just ignore what's around them when they are comfortable. How long would I have kept going if he hadn't made the decision? I'm embarrassed for myself. Just to vent.. he's boring as fuck, his family (for the most part) sucks, and was I even attracted to him? In the beginning I was, but that guy changed a long time ago. He was fun, interesting, carefree.. but the more he aged, the more he turned into his father and fuck that. Undiagnosed manic depression bullshit. Maybe it's childhood trauma? I don't even know. But what a boring waste of time that all was. Everytime I hear about his family, I feel so peaceful and calm that I never have to think of those people ever again. That feeling alone could carry me for years. And I heard a quote the other day on some show that said something like 'if a man writes a woman one sonnet then he loves her, if he writes more than 10 sonnets then he loves sonnets'. That made me laugh because that poor bastard had a whole notebook of slightly better than mediocre poetry about that bitch.
I wish I felt anger when I found out they were together now, but honestly, I felt nothing. It all seemed so boring and predictable. I wish I missed the time we spent together, but I don't. I wish these things because it would at least validate that I hadn't wasted 20 years, but the truth is, I did. A few good things came from it, I suppose. But I can barely count them on one hand.
I am so at peace mentally. I needed to learn to love myself, because I never did before this. So in this final post about my divorce, the only thing I have left to say is: Good riddance.
I barely think about him at all these days, and when I do, it's more of a 'what the fuck was I doing for so long' kind of thought. We honestly never should have been together. In retrospect, I feel like I fought against fate to be with him. He didn't want me at first; that should have been the first sign that it was ill-fated. But having the clarity now that we are done, I just am sad for the time that I wasted. Half my life is just mediocre memories. More bad than good. And when I think about how little we have in common, it really should be a case study on how humans will just ignore what's around them when they are comfortable. How long would I have kept going if he hadn't made the decision? I'm embarrassed for myself. Just to vent.. he's boring as fuck, his family (for the most part) sucks, and was I even attracted to him? In the beginning I was, but that guy changed a long time ago. He was fun, interesting, carefree.. but the more he aged, the more he turned into his father and fuck that. Undiagnosed manic depression bullshit. Maybe it's childhood trauma? I don't even know. But what a boring waste of time that all was. Everytime I hear about his family, I feel so peaceful and calm that I never have to think of those people ever again. That feeling alone could carry me for years. And I heard a quote the other day on some show that said something like 'if a man writes a woman one sonnet then he loves her, if he writes more than 10 sonnets then he loves sonnets'. That made me laugh because that poor bastard had a whole notebook of slightly better than mediocre poetry about that bitch.
I wish I felt anger when I found out they were together now, but honestly, I felt nothing. It all seemed so boring and predictable. I wish I missed the time we spent together, but I don't. I wish these things because it would at least validate that I hadn't wasted 20 years, but the truth is, I did. A few good things came from it, I suppose. But I can barely count them on one hand.
I am so at peace mentally. I needed to learn to love myself, because I never did before this. So in this final post about my divorce, the only thing I have left to say is: Good riddance.
The difference between thinking you know something and actually finding out that what you thought you knew was true.. it shouldn't be any different, right? But it is. Why?
For some reason, it kind of hurts? Maybe hurt isn't the right word. I have a gross, sinking feeling in the pit of stomach. An icky feeling.
All I can say is good luck. It'll get old. It always does. It's all so boring.
It is kind of fitting, honestly. That two boring people would end up together. Trying to have some semblance of a normal life. Am I jaded or does everything seem like a fucking simulation? Basic relationship #34 activate.
It doesn't even feel like jealousy. It feels like pity.
Here's the thing: your deep conversations? Shallow. That music? Is it really that good? Enough to listen to the SAME FUCKING PLAYLIST for 20 years? (It's not, I promise). His family? God.. good fucking luck. You'll find out. Lol. Geez. I almost feel like I have a duty to warn the poor bitch. 😂 Maybe you'll even help him find Jesus again, lmao.
What a fucking snoozefest. Bon voyage, homie. Cie la viez, or however the fuck you spell that.
Anyway, tonight an Italian man who was playing fucking bagpipes shirtless told me he likes my Lord of the Rings backpack 😆 but take your step kid to fucking little league lmao and say bye bye to all that money you thought you were gonna save.
For some reason, it kind of hurts? Maybe hurt isn't the right word. I have a gross, sinking feeling in the pit of stomach. An icky feeling.
All I can say is good luck. It'll get old. It always does. It's all so boring.
It is kind of fitting, honestly. That two boring people would end up together. Trying to have some semblance of a normal life. Am I jaded or does everything seem like a fucking simulation? Basic relationship #34 activate.
It doesn't even feel like jealousy. It feels like pity.
Here's the thing: your deep conversations? Shallow. That music? Is it really that good? Enough to listen to the SAME FUCKING PLAYLIST for 20 years? (It's not, I promise). His family? God.. good fucking luck. You'll find out. Lol. Geez. I almost feel like I have a duty to warn the poor bitch. 😂 Maybe you'll even help him find Jesus again, lmao.
What a fucking snoozefest. Bon voyage, homie. Cie la viez, or however the fuck you spell that.
Anyway, tonight an Italian man who was playing fucking bagpipes shirtless told me he likes my Lord of the Rings backpack 😆 but take your step kid to fucking little league lmao and say bye bye to all that money you thought you were gonna save.
Moving right along
Apr. 8th, 2025 10:19 amAs time goes on, I realize how much I lost myself over the last decade(s). I think we bonded over our love of partying and when it came time to be actual adults, there was nothing there. Were we even friends? I cared about him, but did we enjoy our time together? I can't even say yes to that. I am so content now. I haven't felt this way in a very long time, if ever. I suppose I'm thankful to him for taking the step that was very long overdue. I wonder how long I would have stayed in that mild illusion of contentment.
Well there's that.
Mar. 16th, 2025 07:43 pmI stumbled across a recent photo of him while scrolling Facebook last night. I am writing about it now because of the feeling I got from it. I have been avoiding looking at photos completely and haven't been using Facebook for much other than running my job's page, but when that photo popped up last night, I felt absolutely nothing. I thought I'd feel sad, nostalgic, angry, or even depressed.. but nothing. He just looked like any other person. Honestly, the only thought I had was that his hairline looked like it was receding.
It just left me with this freeing, almost joyful feeling afterwards. I am truly moving forward with no desire for the past. If anything, I'm almost irritated that it took me so long to see that things could be like this. The only thing I feel sad about is how much time I have wasted. And yes, it does feel like time wasted. We didn't even like each other.
Life. -_-
It just left me with this freeing, almost joyful feeling afterwards. I am truly moving forward with no desire for the past. If anything, I'm almost irritated that it took me so long to see that things could be like this. The only thing I feel sad about is how much time I have wasted. And yes, it does feel like time wasted. We didn't even like each other.
Life. -_-
This is for my future self, when I'm feeling the weight of the past again..
Remember this time, now, when you can honestly say that you are happier than you have been in a long time. You feel lighter, freer, and unburdened. You can do what you want, when you want, and you don't have to answer to anyone for any of it.
I keep hearing rumors about myself, too. I am trying so hard to live my life and keep to myself, because that's what I want to do. I have zero desire to look back on any of it. Why is it so hard for people to respect that? I understand people will talk, but I wish that if they insist on talking about me, they at least know what the fuck they are talking about first. Or, do what I'm doing, and move on. Turn the page. Close the book. Shhhh.
95% of the time, I feel more at peace than I have probably ever felt in my life. I don't give two shits or a fuck what he is up to. That story has ended. The remaining 5% is just sadness from losing a lifelong friend. We didn't work out as a married couple, but I like to think we were, at the very least, friends. So to have a friend abruptly gone, like they are just dead, is pretty jarring. But still.. I'm doing fine. I find myself more optimistic than before, more calm, just.. more. So yeah, fuck them. Fuck him. And good riddance to the past.
Remember this time, now, when you can honestly say that you are happier than you have been in a long time. You feel lighter, freer, and unburdened. You can do what you want, when you want, and you don't have to answer to anyone for any of it.
I keep hearing rumors about myself, too. I am trying so hard to live my life and keep to myself, because that's what I want to do. I have zero desire to look back on any of it. Why is it so hard for people to respect that? I understand people will talk, but I wish that if they insist on talking about me, they at least know what the fuck they are talking about first. Or, do what I'm doing, and move on. Turn the page. Close the book. Shhhh.
95% of the time, I feel more at peace than I have probably ever felt in my life. I don't give two shits or a fuck what he is up to. That story has ended. The remaining 5% is just sadness from losing a lifelong friend. We didn't work out as a married couple, but I like to think we were, at the very least, friends. So to have a friend abruptly gone, like they are just dead, is pretty jarring. But still.. I'm doing fine. I find myself more optimistic than before, more calm, just.. more. So yeah, fuck them. Fuck him. And good riddance to the past.
It's not even my birthday
Feb. 8th, 2025 09:24 amI have spent so much time & money over the years making sure everyone around me had memorable, awesome birthdays. No one has ever put that much effort in for me. I know it's just a birthday and they never asked for that, but I wanted them to feel special, and I guess I just feel like maybe once or twice, someone would have wanted me to feel the same way? I don't know. I never did it so that they would reciprocate, and I never expected the same, but it would have been nice is all.
This whole thing has really caused an extreme intro-(and outro)spection. I feel so hesitant to even try to get to know anyone ever again. It's heartbreaking how fleeting years of memories turned out to be. How people I thought I would know until my dying days, are just gone. Our lives will continue on and eventually we won't even spare a thought for each other.
This whole thing has really caused an extreme intro-(and outro)spection. I feel so hesitant to even try to get to know anyone ever again. It's heartbreaking how fleeting years of memories turned out to be. How people I thought I would know until my dying days, are just gone. Our lives will continue on and eventually we won't even spare a thought for each other.
It was all a dream
Jan. 30th, 2025 08:49 pmI'm finding myself feeling like the past was just a long fever dream. I kind of feel detached from it.. like I was someone outside looking in the whole time. I don't want to say that none of it mattered, because some of it did, but now that everything has changed so drastically, I just feel like it was a whole different lifetime. I can't even honestly tell myself that I'm sad that it is over. I just feel nothing about it most of the time. Maybe this is a strange form of depression?
Maybe because when I was a child, I only had myself most of the time, so I'm inherently used to the solitude. I like it. I don't know where I'm going with this. I just wanted to spew it.
Back to watching Moonlight Mystique.
Maybe because when I was a child, I only had myself most of the time, so I'm inherently used to the solitude. I like it. I don't know where I'm going with this. I just wanted to spew it.
Back to watching Moonlight Mystique.
Blah blah blah divorce blah
Jan. 8th, 2025 03:10 pmI just made my own lavender simple syrup. It is delicious. I love lavender lemonade so much and I only ever get it like twice a year. I don't know why it didn't occur to me to just make it myself. -_-
I'm working from home today. That is about the extent of what's going on.
There might be some winter weather starting on Friday, so we'll see what happens with that. Just another fun thing to experience all by myself. :/
I am trying to be positive and optimistic. I just feel like everything was so abrupt. Things were normal one day and the next day everything was completely upside down. And within a week it was done. Twenty years just over. Regardless of the good, the bad, and the mediocre.. it just seems so anticlimactic. I wasn't worth trying for. Maybe he wasn't either.
I don't know if I'll ever find someone to share life with after this. I feel like my standards are too high, but at the same time I have no idea what I even want in a significant other. And I don't know if I can put myself through this again. Is it even worth it? Yeah, it's nice to have someone you can rely on when you need to, but maybe the lesson here is that I need to learn to rely on myself.
There are pros from this whole thing and I'm trying to focus on those. Did we even have anything in common anymore? The more I look at it from all angles, not really. Time was really the only thing. There were times I didn't even like him as a person. So, is this really all that bad? No.
Oh well. I 'm off to play Stardew Valley.
And if anyone out there finds this, and you're a single man of Asian or Scottish descent (I have types, ok?) who is no younger than 35.. hit me up. Haha.
I'm working from home today. That is about the extent of what's going on.
There might be some winter weather starting on Friday, so we'll see what happens with that. Just another fun thing to experience all by myself. :/
I am trying to be positive and optimistic. I just feel like everything was so abrupt. Things were normal one day and the next day everything was completely upside down. And within a week it was done. Twenty years just over. Regardless of the good, the bad, and the mediocre.. it just seems so anticlimactic. I wasn't worth trying for. Maybe he wasn't either.
I don't know if I'll ever find someone to share life with after this. I feel like my standards are too high, but at the same time I have no idea what I even want in a significant other. And I don't know if I can put myself through this again. Is it even worth it? Yeah, it's nice to have someone you can rely on when you need to, but maybe the lesson here is that I need to learn to rely on myself.
There are pros from this whole thing and I'm trying to focus on those. Did we even have anything in common anymore? The more I look at it from all angles, not really. Time was really the only thing. There were times I didn't even like him as a person. So, is this really all that bad? No.
Oh well. I 'm off to play Stardew Valley.
And if anyone out there finds this, and you're a single man of Asian or Scottish descent (I have types, ok?) who is no younger than 35.. hit me up. Haha.
Another day passes.
Jan. 5th, 2025 06:18 pmThere are times when I am so at peace. I don't have to answer to anyone but myself. There is comfort in that. But there are also times when I'm still in shock and am just on autopilot.
I've been playing Stardew Valley, I appreciate it for being a mind-numbing time vortex. I'm not very good at it, but it's passing the time. I have a fuck ton of dramas saved on MDL that I need to watch.
I don't want to do anything to the house until I'm sure that it is mine officially. I have a list ready, though.
I'm still too depressed to go out and do anything. I just want to be a hermit. At least I can separate this place and these things from the memories. They pop up occasionally, but I'm just so disgusted with him, I shrug them off. I will never forgive him. I will never see or speak to him again. October 2024 was the last time.
Bleh.
I've been playing Stardew Valley, I appreciate it for being a mind-numbing time vortex. I'm not very good at it, but it's passing the time. I have a fuck ton of dramas saved on MDL that I need to watch.
I don't want to do anything to the house until I'm sure that it is mine officially. I have a list ready, though.
I'm still too depressed to go out and do anything. I just want to be a hermit. At least I can separate this place and these things from the memories. They pop up occasionally, but I'm just so disgusted with him, I shrug them off. I will never forgive him. I will never see or speak to him again. October 2024 was the last time.
Bleh.
Another fun day.
Dec. 31st, 2024 04:06 pmIt seems impossible for anything to go smoothly. Everything has 50 steps and countless moving parts. It shouldn't be this convoluted.
I suppose this whole ordeal is full of lessons that I should have learned a long time ago. Never depend on anyone but yourself, because no matter what you think things are like or what you think people are thinking- you're either wrong or it's gonna change when you least expect it. That's all obvious, but still.. you just get caught in your bubble, living your day to day life.. not happy, not sad.. and then poof- everything is upside down.
I have been too depressed to really do much of anything lately. The holidays have been pretty awful. Just have to make it through tonight and that's the end of that for a while. But I keep telling myself I'm going to do something besides lay on the couch and I just don't. A whole day goes by and I've done nothing but waste away.
I hope that I can move past this.
I suppose this whole ordeal is full of lessons that I should have learned a long time ago. Never depend on anyone but yourself, because no matter what you think things are like or what you think people are thinking- you're either wrong or it's gonna change when you least expect it. That's all obvious, but still.. you just get caught in your bubble, living your day to day life.. not happy, not sad.. and then poof- everything is upside down.
I have been too depressed to really do much of anything lately. The holidays have been pretty awful. Just have to make it through tonight and that's the end of that for a while. But I keep telling myself I'm going to do something besides lay on the couch and I just don't. A whole day goes by and I've done nothing but waste away.
I hope that I can move past this.
(no subject)
Dec. 28th, 2024 12:28 amToday was not bad. Played Diablo, cleaned, and had some friends over. We played Heroes of Barcadia & Mario Party. We even talked about starting an anime club. If that actually happens, I am so in charge of newsletters.
Lately I think I am reaching into my memories for things that made me happy.. before he came into my life. Like this LJ dupe, and I desperately want to make a geocities-esqe website, anime newsletters.. etc. The nostalgia makes me happy when everything else is going wrong.
I don't know.
Two days left of Christmas break. I'm taking over the mortgage in a few days, too. Fun stuff. Fuck him. 🖕🏻
Lately I think I am reaching into my memories for things that made me happy.. before he came into my life. Like this LJ dupe, and I desperately want to make a geocities-esqe website, anime newsletters.. etc. The nostalgia makes me happy when everything else is going wrong.
I don't know.
Two days left of Christmas break. I'm taking over the mortgage in a few days, too. Fun stuff. Fuck him. 🖕🏻
Sigh of Relief
Dec. 26th, 2024 12:53 pmIt's ovvveerrrrr. The holidays are finally over. I have been trying to convince myself that 2025 is a new start. I have been grieving since September. I can't keep going like this.
I'm terrified, but hopeful.
Today I'll stay in, because that's what I like to do. Cdrama, dishes, laundry, maybe even start up Diablo IV again? I heard it got updated since I last played. I still have AC Valhalla and Hogwart's Legacy to finish and a few other games I haven't even started. And a long ass list of dramas to watch.
Speaking of dramas.. if anyone ever finds this journal and watches Asian dramas too, follow my boring journey here: https://mydramalist.com/profile/ancienteuphoria or use it for recommendations even!
It's a nice, grey, overcast day today so I'm grateful for that. I feel so much more at peace when the sun isn't out. That sounds like something a depressed person would say, which I am currently; but even when I'm happy, I just feel at ease when it's 'gloomy' outside. It's like a soft, grey blanket.
I'm terrified, but hopeful.
Today I'll stay in, because that's what I like to do. Cdrama, dishes, laundry, maybe even start up Diablo IV again? I heard it got updated since I last played. I still have AC Valhalla and Hogwart's Legacy to finish and a few other games I haven't even started. And a long ass list of dramas to watch.
Speaking of dramas.. if anyone ever finds this journal and watches Asian dramas too, follow my boring journey here: https://mydramalist.com/profile/ancienteuphoria or use it for recommendations even!
It's a nice, grey, overcast day today so I'm grateful for that. I feel so much more at peace when the sun isn't out. That sounds like something a depressed person would say, which I am currently; but even when I'm happy, I just feel at ease when it's 'gloomy' outside. It's like a soft, grey blanket.