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This will probably be my last post about the divorce. I'd like to use this journal for just random things. It's still so nostalgic to me because it looks exactly like LiveJournal. I wish I could go back to those days. So many things I would do differently.
I barely think about him at all these days, and when I do, it's more of a 'what the fuck was I doing for so long' kind of thought. We honestly never should have been together. In retrospect, I feel like I fought against fate to be with him. He didn't want me at first; that should have been the first sign that it was ill-fated. But having the clarity now that we are done, I just am sad for the time that I wasted. Half my life is just mediocre memories. More bad than good. And when I think about how little we have in common, it really should be a case study on how humans will just ignore what's around them when they are comfortable. How long would I have kept going if he hadn't made the decision? I'm embarrassed for myself. Just to vent.. he's boring as fuck, his family (for the most part) sucks, and was I even attracted to him? In the beginning I was, but that guy changed a long time ago. He was fun, interesting, carefree.. but the more he aged, the more he turned into his father and fuck that. Undiagnosed manic depression bullshit. Maybe it's childhood trauma? I don't even know. But what a boring waste of time that all was. Everytime I hear about his family, I feel so peaceful and calm that I never have to think of those people ever again. That feeling alone could carry me for years. And I heard a quote the other day on some show that said something like 'if a man writes a woman one sonnet then he loves her, if he writes more than 10 sonnets then he loves sonnets'. That made me laugh because that poor bastard had a whole notebook of slightly better than mediocre poetry about that bitch.
I wish I felt anger when I found out they were together now, but honestly, I felt nothing. It all seemed so boring and predictable. I wish I missed the time we spent together, but I don't. I wish these things because it would at least validate that I hadn't wasted 20 years, but the truth is, I did. A few good things came from it, I suppose. But I can barely count them on one hand.
I am so at peace mentally. I needed to learn to love myself, because I never did before this. So in this final post about my divorce, the only thing I have left to say is: Good riddance.
I barely think about him at all these days, and when I do, it's more of a 'what the fuck was I doing for so long' kind of thought. We honestly never should have been together. In retrospect, I feel like I fought against fate to be with him. He didn't want me at first; that should have been the first sign that it was ill-fated. But having the clarity now that we are done, I just am sad for the time that I wasted. Half my life is just mediocre memories. More bad than good. And when I think about how little we have in common, it really should be a case study on how humans will just ignore what's around them when they are comfortable. How long would I have kept going if he hadn't made the decision? I'm embarrassed for myself. Just to vent.. he's boring as fuck, his family (for the most part) sucks, and was I even attracted to him? In the beginning I was, but that guy changed a long time ago. He was fun, interesting, carefree.. but the more he aged, the more he turned into his father and fuck that. Undiagnosed manic depression bullshit. Maybe it's childhood trauma? I don't even know. But what a boring waste of time that all was. Everytime I hear about his family, I feel so peaceful and calm that I never have to think of those people ever again. That feeling alone could carry me for years. And I heard a quote the other day on some show that said something like 'if a man writes a woman one sonnet then he loves her, if he writes more than 10 sonnets then he loves sonnets'. That made me laugh because that poor bastard had a whole notebook of slightly better than mediocre poetry about that bitch.
I wish I felt anger when I found out they were together now, but honestly, I felt nothing. It all seemed so boring and predictable. I wish I missed the time we spent together, but I don't. I wish these things because it would at least validate that I hadn't wasted 20 years, but the truth is, I did. A few good things came from it, I suppose. But I can barely count them on one hand.
I am so at peace mentally. I needed to learn to love myself, because I never did before this. So in this final post about my divorce, the only thing I have left to say is: Good riddance.
no subject
Date: 2025-05-27 08:09 am (UTC)From:but stay strong — it sounds like life has given you a chance to focus on yourself.
Keeping a journal can often bring us back to warm memories and carefree moments, to another kind of reality — and that’s something truly worth doing.
no subject
Date: 2025-06-20 05:14 pm (UTC)From: