morrigankali

I just read some of my old LJ entries from 2001 to 2004 that happened to be on the Wayback Machine. What a terrifying and enlightening trip down memory lane. So many things I don't even remember at all. I wish all of the entries and photos were still there. It was interesting to read what my younger self thought was important. And every different snapshot that Wayback saved, I was enamored with a different guy. And at the very least, I remember truly loving each one of them. It made me realize that I haven't been single since I was 15 years old. No wonder I am so peaceful in this solitude that I'm currently in. And it's also no wonder that I feel like I'm desperately grasping at nostalgia from a time before the 2+ decades of relationship woes. 

I don't know why I've always jumped from relationship to relationship. I always seemed to go in head first and then they all just fizzled out. Am I the problem? IS there even a problem? I don't see it as one, but I'm willing to bet that if you asked some of them, they would not agree. My whole life, I've felt like I was seeking something and I obviously have no idea what it is since I definitely haven't found it yet. I do feel that, finally, I have evolved beyond that pattern of seeking excitement and validation from other people. I don't think I ever stopped once to take a long, hard look at myself or my actions, I've just been following pleasure, excitement, and connection wherever it lead me. Even at the cost of relationships and friendships.

But now, all I want is to know myself. Funny how it took something like the divorce (which should have happened a long, long time ago) to make me FINALLY stop and assess my life. And I am truly happier than I have been in a very long time. Even the most mundane days bring me joy now. 

Anyway, obligatory 'I miss LiveJournal' post. 

Xiao Zhan & Wakin Chau

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